August 24, 2012: I’m feeling all
inspired. I started my story full of great ideas and romantic thoughts about
flying unicorns and how to get to Gotham City.
Once upon a time, in a beautiful town called
Candelaria, located in the Valle del Cauca region of Colombia, there was a
little girl called Lulu. She was fascinated with animals, especially with
unicorns.
For her eighth birthday Lulu’s father gave
her a unicorn that she named Gabrielo. As you might already be aware, unicorns
can fly. So Lulu and Gabrielo visited many places: they flew to India, Spain,
Guatemala, France, and Gotham City (…come on, if you had a flying unicorn, wouldn't you go to Gotham City?). They often flew to Colombia. Lulu was fond of
chontaduros and platanos maduros. Gabrielo’s favorite delicacy was guayabas (of course!).
September 10, 2012: I feel really bad
for taking so long to finish a one-page story, which a fifth-grader could
finish in fifteen minutes. I’m getting too easily distracted lately. (Should I
clean my cat’s vomit now while it’s fresh? It’s probably easier to just let it
dry. Did I send my blue dress to the cleaners? Oh shit, I didn't call my mom
for her birthday!)
During one of their trips around Colombia—specifically
to Anzoategui (a little town where people live forever and the water tastes
like vodka)—Lulu and Gabrielo met a beautiful siren named Salt while they were vintage
shopping in El Corte Ingles (ok…in real life there’s no Corte Ingles in
Colombia, at least not the fancy store like the one in Spain, but for
fantasizing purposes let’s just imagine that Anzoategui has a multilevel store
with vintage clothing and shit). Salt and Lulu became best friends.
One day, Salt invited Gabrielo and Lulu to
her home. She lived in a castle high in a mountain, a castle guarded by a dragon
called Book-of-Matches. Salt was forced to marry an old ugly man when she was
younger. He never allowed her to see the ocean, and she never learned to swim.
Salt was a prisoner in her own home. That horrible man was called Carlos
Augusto Bustamante (inspired by Mexican soap operas). He used to bathe only
once a week, and he ate deep-fried spiders and bats. Salt was miserable. She
needed to escape sooner rather than later.
October 2, 2012: Today is the day. I
went to the gym, I got a congratulations-for-your-great-job-letter from my
boss, and my digestive system is not attacking any of my organs (i.e. I
surprisingly don’t have either chronic constipation or unstoppable diarrhea
[which I prefer to constipation]).
Book-of-Matches felt miserable too. Guarding
a castle wasn't his thing. He was more the type of dragon that liked to play
golf and go to the beach. He wanted to leave the castle and be free too.
Mental note #1: I’m sure I killed all
my creative neurons (mental note inside a mental note: ask my brother about
“creative neurons”…this doesn't sound right) or some horrible spell was cast on
me. I won the “Best Story Award” three years in a row in high school. And now I
can only come with this crap!? Should I only post Mabel’s drawings and let them
do the talking? Nah, I started this damn story and I’m going to finish it!
October 16, 2012: I've reached the
point in the story where I become super analytical and think to myself, “Wait a
minute, if Salt and Book-of-Matches hated that fatso Carlos Augusto Bustamante
so much, how come Book-of-Matches didn't just kill him with a burst of fire?
And how come Book-of-Matches, (whom I’m sure knows how to fly, because what
kind of dragon would he be if he were guarding a castle and only able to do it
by foot?) didn't just fly away with Salt and leave Carlos Augusto Bustamante
alone in the castle? Should I just stick to architecture? I Probably suck at
that too.
And so Salt left the fatso alone in the
castle and she sailed away with Lulu and Gabrielo. Yup, she couldn't care less
about living in a castle or having a damn dragon that by all measures was
worthless, or even having a closet full of Manolos. She took that fin of hers and left Carlos Alberto Bustamante
full of debt and a broken heart.
Mental note #2: I’m starting to like
the ironic tone this story is taking. Ok brain, let’s see what else you can
come up with.
Book-of-Matches suddenly absconded to The
Land of the Lost Dragons (I believe that’s north of Greece, a little bit to the
left of Macedonia).
Mental note #3: Even though Meibol’s
skills as an illustrator are outstanding, she wasn't able to draw a dragon at the
proper scale, leaving me with no other solution than to suddenly remove him
from the story. I’m tempted to do the same with Gabrielo. Or maybe I’ll just
make him into a porn star. He’s got the face for it. Yeah, I’ll do that.
Gabrielo changed his name to Ben Over and
became a porn star. That sonofabitch
Salt was driving him nuts, and even though he loved Lulu, she couldn't give him what Ricardo Grande (his boyfriend) gave him. Lulu studied
architecture and started a very successful blog called The Papaya
Experiment. Salt became the spokes-siren
for Chicken of the Sea. She married Fishey Smell, better known as the shark
actor who starred in Jaws 1,2, and 3.
And they all lived happy ever after!
The End
November 12, 2012: I suck as a
storyteller. But I’m happy that after almost three months I managed to finish this damn
story!
Thanks
to Meibol's Drawings for the lovely illustrations, to Alcibiades for the great
pictures, and to my late dad for giving me a little pink unicorn (the stuffed
kind, not the real kind, but knowing him he would've moved heaven and earth to
find a real unicorn for me) when I turned eight.
Real Nice Thing in Life #14: Hip Hip
Hurray! For friends that can draw porn-actor unicorns and gold digging sirens!
And for fathers that will do anything for their daughters. I love you, daddy.
